Monday, October 31, 2011

All Shall Be Well

The thing I was least prepared for in this pregnancy is the fear.  I knew it would be hard, I knew I would be afraid but I did not expect this kind of terror.  These are moments of Horror Movie-esque, have trouble breathing, ice in the pit of your stomach, free-falling fear.  This is "what if it happens again" fear.

I don't know that there is anything I can really do about it.  Praying helps, exercise helps, distractions help...but there is one antidote to this particular fear and I won't have it until I am sitting in my house with a soft-skinned, sweet smelling baby in my arms.

Each morning I wake up and read a few pages from different books that have helped me get through this year.  The first one I read this morning had a quote attributed to Julian of Norwich, it read "All shall be well.  All shall be well.  All matter of thing shall be well." 

After a weekend when the fear had me in its grip too much of the time, these words felt meant for me.  They allowed me to close my eyes and see that moment when "all shall be well".

I am so afraid, so very afraid of losing again.  I hope that despite my fear, I am always able to see that ending and that baby in my arms with pursed lips and tufts of dark hair.  All shall be well.  All shall be well.  All matter of thing shall be well.

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