Sometimes I am so afraid that I can't put it into words. It is the kind of fear that takes your breath away, almost like falling flat on your back, and it comes out of nowhere. One minute I am fine, the next all I stand to lose and have lost hits me and bam, I'm seeing stars.
I know the only way out of that fear is through faith...faith got me through losing Rip, and it is what will get me through this pregnancy.
To have faith you have to be able to trust. I still have problems with that one, a tendency towards the "fool me once" mentality. I trusted once, and after everything that has happened, how can I truly believe that it is gong to be okay this time.
But I have to believe...just like I had and have to believe Rip is safe, I have to believe this baby is part of a plan. I have to believe that someone is in charge, and it isn't me. Even when it seems easier just to give into the fear, somehow I have to make myself believe.
Fear, Faith, Trust, Belief...how did it all get so complicated?
But somehow if I get through that cycle every day, I get a little glimpse of what I want most...Hope.