Wanting and waiting for another baby is torture for me. Impatient by nature, I'm just not good at this. I want to close me eyes and have ten months go by and fast forward to the part where I am holding my healthy baby boy or girl.
I wasn't good at the waiting part when I wanted to get pregnant with Rip, and now, after his loss, I am so much worse. I can't help but feel I've already done this. That I should not have to wait anymore, I should be enjoying my five month old, not worrying about getting pregnant, wondering if it will ever happen, worrying about the ten months and all that go wrong when it finally does. I find myself asking God "What were you thinking?"
I know that may be sacrilegious, but God created me, and my impatience, and I don't think he is truly shocked by my exasperation with the situation.
But I try to remember, God also chose me to be Rip's mother, and even though I only had him for a very short time, I am so thankful He chose me above anyone else to have that very special little boy. God also created my heart, he gave me this mama's heart...he would not have given me this heart if he did not intend for me to be a mama. And God knows my future, so he already knows that little boy or girl (boys?girls?) that, when the timing is right, will come into our lives and bless us in ways that I cannot imagine. So even while I am busy asking Him what He is thinking, I have to also use the words I was taught to say as a blessing each night..."Lord make us truly thankful for what we are about to receive."