Grieving for my child goes against everything that I am. My natural state of being is that of a happy, optimistic, it will all be okay kind of girl. It is hard for me to be so sad and to cry all of the time when I want so badly to be happy but, for today at least, I have to experience grief.
I woke up crying today, occasionally I will just get huge waves of how much I have lost and it seems overwhelmingly sad. Parke had made plans to play golf but offered to stay home with me. I don't want to be "that girl", have never been "that girl", so I made him go.
I crawled back in bed, hid under the covers, and felt exactly like the poster child for one of those depression commercials. After a while I decided I did not particularly want to be "that girl" either.
I have been through a lot, I deserve a day to just be sad...so I decided to have a day on bed. In bed was too sad, too hopeless. The bed needed to be made, the dog walked, the downstairs tidied, and the Thanksgiving left-overs thrown out. All tasks complete, I am now on the bed with a good book, limitless movie options thanks to our new direct TV, and my dog.
I may cry fifty times today, but that is okay. I may actually enjoy some of my day on bed, and that is okay too. Being on bed, rather than in bed, gave me hope. And for me, that is what my day to day life is all about right now.